Ask Baeli: How Do I Stop Being a Fat Pig?

Dear Baeli,

For as long as I can remember I have been a heinous disease, a plague brought upon my father's house. No one is proud of me. No one likes me. I am horrible. A size 8!

My mother keeps telling me I need to stop wearing clothes that make me look fatter. I wear baggy clothes, but she says I still look fat. I wear form-fitting clothes and she about gags.

I've tried everything I can to get the weight off, including a number of fad diets like eating three square, healthy meals a day and exercising for a reasonable amount of time a day. Nothing is working. Can you please help me, Baeli?

Yours,

Fat Pig

Dear Fat Pig,

I have no idea how to help you. I have never had a weight problem and never will. I am a size -2 and have never fluctuated. I've heard that gastric bypass works. Maybe try that?

Xoxo, Baeli