Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Life is short. And so is the man you're going to meet on your date this week.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
The highlight of your week will be eating a Philly cheesesteak.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You will get a wedding invitation to a far off isle this week. Too bad it's just Long Beach in New Jersey...
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Ever wonder why you're still single? It just so happens that you're a huge loser.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
You will go to a healing center and be turned away on the spot. They are crystal healers, not miracle workers.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Treat yourself to a day of fun! You're going to need it after you get fired again..
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
A freak accident will leave you paralyzed from the waist down. No, we aren't going to tell you when and where.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Your turn at karaoke will leave everyone speechless. That's because you sang all the "N" words in the song.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
This week you will come face to face with a serial killer. Don't worry; he's not interested in ugly people.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your face will make a baby cry this week.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Turns out your trip to Tampa will set off a chain of events that will lead to the end of the world. Bummer.