Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Is that a gun in his pocket or is he just happy to see you? … It's a gun.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Your love for Lord of the Rings does not mean you shouldn't shave your disgustingly hairy feet.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Having sex in a car doesn't make you a whore. It does make you sad though because you're by yourself.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You will make a new friend this week. But his name is Beelzebub, Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms of Hell. And he needs a new dishwasher
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
This week you will undertake the biggest challenge of your life. Going for a one mile walk. On flat ground. Good luck, warrior!
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Look who has a secret admirer! A mysterious red envelope is coming your way this week. Oh wait, no, it’s just a second notice for your unpaid gas bill.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
You will spot a glitch in the matrix when someone actually wants to spend time with you.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Remember when you thought your camera was off during that Zoom call while you were eating a McRib? Everyone saw it. Your reputation in the clean eating community is over. Hope your trash meat was worth it!
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Fall is getting closer and so is your time on this earth. Who knew someone could die from drinking too many pumpkin spice lattes?
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You will meet your boyfriend's mother this week. Maybe, uh, just schedule the therapy session now.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Try cleaning your house this week, you bum!