Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You'll finally get the keys to your new home this week! In the back of your mother's house. Yes, it's the shed.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Persistence is key to conquering your fears! So go to the gym already.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Your sister will give birth to a bouncing baby boy this week! Too bad he's also your husband's son. So, nephew AND stepson to you?
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
We know you're not going to finish that salad mix. Might as well dump it in the trash before it rots inside your fridge.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Want to know a secret? You're incredibly disliked by everyone around you.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
The only joke people will laugh at during your set at the Comedy Club this week is you.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Ready to give dating another shot? Don't.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
The sights and smells of fall will burst through your windows this week! That's because your neighbor will throw a lit pumpkin through the glass after your dog takes a crap in his yard.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Another day, another dollar, another reason to consider moving back home because a dollar a day is not going to cut it.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Wait until the moon is waxing to call your ex-boyfriend to tell him you love him. By waxing we mean exploded because that's a stupid idea.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Not you again...