Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) When we said paint the town red, we didn't mean murder everyone, you freak. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Your trip...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your trip to the pumpkin patch this week ends with you picking the only pumpkin that has deadly flesh-eating...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Life is just a never ending episode of Squid Game for you, isn't it? Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Remember when...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Go ahead and treat yourself to a cone filled with your favorite flavor! Too bad the ice cream parlor ran out...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You'll finally get the keys to your new home this week! In the back of your mother's house. Yes, it's the shed....

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) News from fashion week: textured fabrics are in! And everything about you is out. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) This...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your TikTok post will go viral! But only because young people won’t be able to stop laughing at how bad you...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You are what you eat. Which makes you a greasy cheeseburger. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) This week you will decide...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Is that a gun in his pocket or is he just happy to see you? … It's a gun. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Your love...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Side parts...middle parts...why does it matter? Your hair will still look terrible. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Remember when you said you wanted a baby? You surely did not mean a baby spawned from Satan. Alas, such is your...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Something wicked this way comes! Don’t worry, the “wickedness” is just that smell your roommate left behind in...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your pants will rip wide open at work in front of everyone on the day you’re wearing your period panties. Have...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) We know you love cheetos, but do you have to wear the orange powder like a lipstick? Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Don’t worry about that huge zit on your face. No one is looking at you anyways. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Your...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) If all the world's a stage, and we are merely players, you're the person playing the tree. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You'll decide to start journaling this week only to fall asleep as you're writing because your life is so...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your community pool may have to close suddenly this week after they found out you were in it. Aquarius (Jan...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) James Corden will force you to do a Carpool Karaoke. The doors will be locked and there is no escape. Aquarius...

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Not sure how to celebrate Pride month? How about stay home and let people have fun for a change. Aquarius (Jan...