HOROSCOPE

Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Jan 18 - 24

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You realize this week that when Armie Hammer messaged you on Instagram last year, he wasn't looking to eat you....

Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Jan 11 - 17

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Watch out for black cats this week. Not because they’re bad luck, but because one of them is going to scratch...

Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Jan 4 - 10

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) New year, new you! Just kidding, you’re going to make the same mistakes you made last year. Aquarius (Jan...

Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Dec. 28 - Jan. 3

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20) This week you will go blind. And deaf and dumb. And you also suck (but you should have already known that)....

Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Dec. 21 - 27

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Congratulations, you made it through the year without getting COVID-19! But you do have syphilis. Aquarius (Jan...

Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Dec. 14 - 20

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your birthday season starts soon, but no one cares. Everyone’s buying Christmas gifts and expects one from you...

Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Dec. 7 - Dec. 13

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20) This week you'll finally find a man who cares. Just not for you. Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19) Your loyalty to...

Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Nov 30 - Dec 6

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20) Don’t worry about that huge zit on your face this week. No one is looking at you anyways. Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb...

Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: November 23-30

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20) Better go easy on the turkey and mashed potatoes this week. Actually, skip it. You’re getting fat. Aquarius...