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A 3-Day Diet Cleanse to Rid Yourself of the Will to Live

Is it time to get that ex-boyfriend back after he cheated on you with your best friend? Are you auditioning for the role of a lifetime but know it requires you to be a size negative 2? Do you hate yourself and want to make your life a living hell?

This 3-day Glowt cleanse will make you rail-thin and at the same time make you wish you didn't breathe air anymore.

Day 1

The first day involves shitting out all the toxins in your body, as well as all the shit. Take an herbal tea laxative in the morning, at noon and at night. You are not allowed to consume anything this day but the tea. You will start to hallucinate at night; don't fret. Those bells are not tolling for you just yet.

Day 2

Today you get to indulge in licking one orange peel – don't you dare lick any part of that orange besides the peel! To tide yourself over, drink 120 ounces of salt water throughout the day. Your stomach will bloat and you will feel like your days are numbered. How much longer can you go on? At least 24 more hours.

Day 3

It's your lucky day! Today you get to consume actual calories. But it's all spinach. Blended with chamomile tea. Drink your spinach-tea smoothie every hour on the hour until you wish you didn't have taste buds. When you feel like you can't take anymore, crawl to your bathroom and retch to your heart's desire. You are done with the cleanse. But you no longer see the point in living. Say your farewells and pick your poison. The end to your suffering is nigh.


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