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An Easy 19-Step Process to “Bedroom Eyes”

1. Wash your face with your favorite organically-made vegan cleanser

2. Pat face dry and glance in mirror. Uh oh, that unibrow’s ever so slightly trying to make a comeback.

3. Tweeze unibrow until it’s smooth and irritated.

4. Now obsess over the rest of your face. Is that a zit forming on your chin?

5.. Forget about it. You’re beautiful the way God made you, especially when you wear a lot of makeup.

6. Gather all your supplies for bedroom eyes and line them up on the bathroom sink.

7. You should have black liquid eyeliner, black eyeshadow, and maybe like a little applicator or something.

8. Check to see how long it will be until your friend Courtnee gets here. She always takes forever.

9. You’ve done a lot already. I think you’ve earned yourself a snack.

10. Preheat oven to 350*. Pour pizza rolls onto baking sheet. Bake for 8-10 minutes.

11. Burn the fuck out of your tongue on the first pizza roll. Decide to wait a little while until the next one.

12. Wait 30 seconds and eat all those delicious little pizza nuggets in quick succession. You can’t taste the burn if you’re swallowing them whole.

13. Use mouthwash to freshen breath. No one is going to like you if you smell like you actually eat food.

14. Look at the text from Courtnee...that ho is already outside and telling you to hurry up!

15. Take a second to respond to Courtnee…"I’m running down the stairs!” You’re not really running down the stairs. You don’t even have pants on yet.

16. Run to your bedroom and put those pants on. No, not the one with the stain. The other ones...fuck it, just put on some leggings.

17. Ok, back in the bathroom. Apply all your other foundation, blush, lipstick, lip liner.

18. Ignore angry emoji texts from Courtnee.

19. Screw it, you're out of time. Just do your eyes in the car.

And just like that, you’re on your way to a night of looking like the sexiest beeyotch in the room, no matter what that hag Courtnee says!


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