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Ask Baeli: How do I get Kirstie Alley to stop trying to convert me to scientology?

Dear Baeli,

It's been a long year.

My mother became a scientologist back last November. Ever since then she has been trying to get me to go with her to meetings and get off of all my medications. One night I woke up and she was sitting next to my bed with electrode-type things on my temples and humming. I told her flat out I wasn't interested in becoming a scientologist. Then that's when Kirstie Alley became involved.

Ringing me up at all hours of the night, telling me my thetan was lost to the reactive mind, Kirstie was driving me up the wall. It all came to a head when I found her behind my shower curtain when I woke up in the morning. I screamed and almost hit her with a plunger. I told her I'd call the cops if she broke into my apartment again.

I was wondering if you had any advice on how to get Kirstie Alley to stop stalking me and screaming about dianetics?


Not Interested in Getting Killed by Miscavige

Dear Not Interested,

It's interesting to hear that you are so against scientology when I can tell just from your letter that your engram levels are off the charts. You clearly have not used an e-meter and have not dealt with your past traumatic memories.

Which leads me to send your email address straight to the top officials at Sea Org. This is not something to play around with. You should be getting a visit shortly. I hope you do the right thing and start the Purification Rundown, as Kirstie has already suggested to you.

With John Travolta's Blessing,

Baeli, Hula Hoop Division of the Church of Scientology under the Department of Defense Against Xenu's Galactic Confederacy


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