Dear Baeli,
I have been a lesbian my whole life. I was on the middle school basketball team. I wore windbreakers. I watched Charmed. I have never had a boyfriend, and I want one. Badly.
It all started when my friend told me that her boyfriend pays for all the tickets to the NCAA basketball games, and had courtside seats at the Staples Center. He also takes her to sweet places like Alaska and goes skydiving. Of course I wanted a piece of the action.
But every time I hit up the local golf course or fishing spots, no one seems interested. Is it because I'm too good at sports? Do I need to stop playing sports? Do I need to stop liking sports? Or do I need to stop making out with my girlfriend in front of them?
I'm at my wits' end. I need to get in on this before basketball season starts. What to do?
Signed,
Looking for a Rich Boyfriend Despite Not Being Attracted to Men
Dear Looking,
Men are funny. We assume they are always ready to get it on with an attractive female, despite her being a lesbian, but sometimes they seem to want you to be attracted, too. Go figure. I mean, I've never had a problem with it. Men don't seem to mind if I'm not attracted to them. Seventy-five percent of my boyfriends have been old and ugly, but the money seals the deal for me. And the drugs.
My advice to you is definitely to stop playing sports. Men feel threatened by women who play sports. But don't stop kissing your girlfriend. Men like lesbian action. You'll find in time that men will come flocking to you once you stop kicking soccer balls, throwing footballs, hitting baseballs, catching basketballs, spiking volleyballs, striking tennis balls, rolling bowling balls, chasing rugby balls...I feel like that's it? Is that all the balls?
Good luck to you in your gold digging!
Xoxo,
Baeli