Dear Baeli,
For years I wondered whether I should look for a job after I graduated from college. My mother -- always the nag -- asked me if I could move out of her basement. I said, "No." And then she asked if I could get a job. I said "No" to that, too...until I saw an ad on Facebook looking for people who would hug strangers for money. I thought, "Well, I do want a new pair of Jimmy Choo's. Oh, what the hell!"
But Baeli, trust me when I tell you that professional hugging has been a nightmare.
I won't lie, I am a bit of a hefty girl. I tried several of your Glowt diets but always went back to the bon-bons. Anyway, one of my clients liked to be hugged pretty tightly. I had no idea that his desire to feel "held" would mean I would unintentionally squeeze the literal life out of him.
I'm now on the run after accidentally suffocating my client. What should I do?
Signed,
About to Be Locked Up in Malibu
Dear About to Be Locked Up,
We've all been in this situation. You try to do something good for someone and you end up accidentally killing them. No matter the intent, just know that the police will catch you if you don't act fast.
First thing's first: do you have a rich aunt who can wire you some money through an untracked source? And do you know how to swim long-distance and hold your breath under water? Or do you think you can dig for a pretty long time and hold your breath under dirt?
I have a man in San Francisco who can help you erase your identity and forge a new one. I need $100,000 by Friday afternoon AT THE LATEST. If you can't get me this money, I now have your e-mail address and will turn it over to the FBI.
Please do the right thing and give me my money.