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Fall is Right Around the Corner! Have You Thought About Life After Death?


Nothing gets me more excited to think about my own demise than the rush of the fall wind sweeping through my hair. Sure, pumpkins and leaves are nice, but it's so much more fun to sit and ponder the way in which you will die and whether or not you will still be conscious after your brain stops working.


You see, I've been reading a lot about death, even though my boyfriend left me after telling me to stop talking about "that shit" for over a year. I can't help myself! Nothing makes me feel more alive than the possibility of my soul escaping this mortal coil and traveling on into infinity.


I guess it all began when one day several years back I was picking apples with my grandmother and all of a sudden a freak wind came and rattled an apple tree. The tree fell on me and I was rushed to the hospital.

After I was declared dead, I could see doctors operating on me from above my body. It wasn't very nice what they were saying about me. "What are the chances an apple tree falls on you while you're picking apples?" One doctor laughed. "This gangly thing didn't stand a chance against that tree."


But aside from that, the experience was magical. I could sense a figure beckoning me to them. It was a Starbucks barista with a pumpkin spice latte in her hand. Wow, I thought. They have Starbucks in Heaven? Taking a few steps further I saw someone hanging up fall decor in their home. Scarecrows, cornstalks, hay bales, and more! I felt like I was in Heaven, and I was!


The Starbucks barista told me I had to go back. I screamed, "No! I haven't had apple cider yet!" She said I had to go back so I could spread the gospel of what I had seen.


When I awoke my grandma was standing over me next to the apple tree. "That apple sure knocked you out," she laughed. "Here, have some cider."


And so it is my life's mission to let all of you know that Heaven does in fact exist, and it's in an apple orchard next to a corn maze and a Starbucks that serves pumpkin spice lattes all year long. I can't imagine a better world where it's fall all the time.