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Happiness Tips from People With a Crap Ton of Money


Life feels like an endless chase. You constantly think “When I buy that designer bag, I’ll finally be happy.” or “When I hire a hitman to kill Londyn to make her pay for buying the same bag as me, I’ll finally be happy.”


While shopping and blood lust bring us much joy in life, the feeling is fleeting and can leave us unfulfilled. So what’s one to do? We gathered tips from the world’s happiest people who also happen to have endless amounts of money.

Eat a Healthy Diet


What you eat every day can affect your mood greatly. Your food stamps may only be able to cover foods you can’t cook because the tent you live in doesn’t have a stove, but that doesn’t mean you can’t buy a hot bowl of vegetable soup from a locally-owned business. ...Oh, you can’t? Well uh...

Surround Yourself With People You Love


Cut out the friends that constantly bring you down by talking about their money problems or that they think someone is trying to murder them. Make memories with people that make you feel good: Gay influencers, Johnny Depp, and your family.

Get a Good Night’s Sleep


After a long day of posting your concerns about global warming and trying to get Greta Thunberg to promote your new vegan shoe line made through child labor, you need to rest your body and soul. Create a soothing space with an essential oils diffuser, a weighted blanket full of cash, and the restorative meditation of Alexandria.


Just Stop Having Real Problems


Eviction notice? Can’t afford that medical bill? Quit being a Negative Nancy! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and transfer your dead grandmother’s money into your account. Happiness achieved.