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Haunted House Not as Spooky as the Terrifying Monotony of Suburban Life

It’s spooky season! This morning, I went up to the local Starbucks to get my skinny no foam pumpkin spice latte, and it was crazy...I ran into Laura, Tammi, Heather, Valerie, and Ashleigh doing the exact same thing! What are the odds? Since we all had absolutely nothing to do and no one home at our gigantic beige houses all located on the same street, we decided to sit down at a table and catch up.

“Did you hear about the haunted house they’ve got set up over in Jefferson?”

“Yeah, but we can’t take the kids. They’ll have too much trauma from it. I make sure their Halloween is completely censored.”

“Should we make it a girls’ night, since we have absolutely nothing else going on?!”

“Heck yeah!”

So, we stayed up until 8 p.m. and headed over to the scariest fright we’d ever have...Valerie had to stay home so that her Lhasa Apso didn’t get separation anxiety, but at least we still had each other!

The first room we walked through had a terrifying scene of a butcher that was chopping up people. One guy actually had his intestines hanging out of his abdomen. Somehow, this wasn’t as scary as lying awake at night because you’ve realized all your dreams have gone unfulfilled.

The next room had vampires! There was one sucking the life out of a young girl in the corner that was screaming for him to stop. But it still wasn’t as terrifying as making the same bland meal for your husband and kids six days in a row and no one even notices.

As we walked through, it became less of a haunted house, and more of a self-actualization house. The scariest thing that happened that night was the fact that someone unannounced had come on Tammi’s porch while we were there...we watched the whole thing on her video doorbell app.


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