Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
Don’t worry about that huge zit on your face this week. No one is looking at you anyways.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
Things are looking up halfway through the week. But don’t worry, it won’t matter because the beginning and the end of the week will be horrible for you.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
Don’t worry about quarantining for two weeks before Christmas. Your family don’t want to see you anyways.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
That gluten-free sweet potato casserole you brought to Friendsgiving? Everyone thought it tasted like ass.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
I mean, really, do you even have to second-guess yourself? You were born a queen and the moon is your bitch. (You're really killing it this week, Diedre!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
The new year will bring new opportunities and transitions for everyone. Not for you, your life will always be the same and boring.
Cancer (Jun 22-Jul 23)
Most of your friends are talking about you behind your back. Right now.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
You are a strong and powerful lion that can handle any obstacle thrown at you. But you’re also ugly.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 22)
Love is in the very near future for you. For one night. And you’ll have to pay for it.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
No one liked that posted photo of your cat because everyone hates you.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22)
Try out a new hobby this winter. Except knitting. You’ll suck at that.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 20)
You will disappoint your mother this week. She wanted a son.