Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
Better go easy on the turkey and mashed potatoes this week. Actually, skip it. You’re getting fat.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
Your skin is looking extra dry this week. And there’s probably nothing you can do it about it because you suck.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
Maybe get some sleep over the Thanksgiving break. Your face really looks like you could use it.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Don’t even think about heading out to Black Friday. It’s embarrassing being seen shopping for “deals.” We will judge you for it.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
This week is looking up for you. Transition and change will help weed out those that are keeping you down. You are strong and powerful and don’t you forget it, you beautiful ray of sunshine! (We love you, Diedre!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
Maybe you should take some time this week to think of ways to be less of a loser.
Cancer (Jun 22-Jul 23)
Aw, you’re emotional this week because you can’t see your family for Thanksgiving due to the pandemic? Why don’t you go cry about it…idiot.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
As fierce and dominant as you may be, someone will always have a story about you passing out drunk in a pool of your own piss and vomit.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 22)
Take a long walk or go on a bike ride using a trail you’ve never used before...because you could really use the exercise.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Ugh, you again? I don’t know, just stay inside. Nobody wants to see your stupid face.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22)
Wonder why Todd has been so distant lately? He’s cheating on you.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 20)
Do us all a favor and wear a mask in all of your selfies from now on. It hurts to look at your face.