Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Life is short. And so is the man you're going to meet on your date this week.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
The highlight of your week will be eating a Philly cheesesteak.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You will get a wedding invitation to a far off isle this week. Too bad it's just Long Beach in New Jersey...
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Ever wonder why you're still single? It just so happens that you're a huge loser.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
After just celebrating Mother's Day this past Sunday it has come to our attention that you are the world's best Mom. You have raised your children to be model citizens and wonderful people. (Diedre, Madison has been staying at Intern 458372's apartment for three weeks now. We know you said she annoys you but can she come home?)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
You will go to a healing center and be turned away on the spot. They are crystal healers, not miracle workers.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Treat yourself to a day of fun! You're going to need it after you get fired again..
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
A freak accident will leave you paralyzed from the waist down. No, we aren't going to tell you when and where.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Your turn at karaoke will leave everyone speechless. That's because you sang all the "N" words in the song.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
This week you will come face to face with a serial killer. Don't worry; he's not interested in ugly people.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your face will make a baby cry this week.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Turns out your trip to Tampa will set off a chain of events that will lead to the end of the world. Bummer.