Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
This week you will be sucked into a wormhole that will take you to an alternate universe where you are the popular girl in high school. Just kidding, that is ridiculous. Not the part about wormholes, but the part where you could ever be popular.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Weight loss diets don't include pizza and cheeseburgers, girl.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Just because it's 4/20 doesn't mean you shouldn't brush your teeth.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
This week you will be so lonely you will extend your car's warranty just so you can talk to someone on the phone.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Your presence always lifts people's moods and brightens everyone's day. (We don't mind it when you slam the office doors, Diedre. We understand we are very irritating.)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Congrats! Your friend will make you her maid of honor this week but then rescind the offer when she makes up with her real best friend.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
You will spend all night Friday drinking, singing "99 Bottles of Beer" alone, and passing out face-first on a grease-stained pizza box.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
A peeping tom will decide to stop sneaking peeks at naked women when he sees you in the nude. It wasn't pretty.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Spending time with your nieces and nephews will make you realize you want kids. It'll make them realize they don't want to have an aunt.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Time for a girl's trip! Notice how we said "girl's" and not "girls'" ? That's because you have no friends.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
The ghost who haunts your apartment will just say "Fuck it" to their unfinished business just so they can go toward the light and not be around you anymore.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Stop crying.