Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
We hate to say it but we're pressing charges. You shouldn't have done that.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You'll quietly ask the universe this week, "Why me?" The universe will answer back, "Shut up."
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Have you ever wondered why your mother looks so much like your father? It's because she's actually his twin and you're the product of inbreeding.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You will have very unsatisfying sex with a man who will laugh at the night light by your bed.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
When we woke up this morning, we thanked God that you have given us a chance at this incredible life. We don't even mind that we're not allowed to talk to our families or friends during the week and have to sleep in closets in the office at night. (We worship you, Diedre!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
The little kitten you found in the alley will die. And be eaten by your dog. Then your dog will die because the kitten had rabies. Man, that's gonna hurt.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
So cute how you want to take up gardening. This week you'll see just how bad an idea that is when you dig up the body of a woman who went missing just last week. Better get a good lawyer!
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
You will be scolded loudly at brunch by your friends for wearing the same outfit as your prettier, all around better friend.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You will be sucked into the TV Poltergeist-style and no one will try to get you out. Hope you enjoy terrifying hellscapes.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
We got so bored thinking about you that we fell asleep while trying to write this. Figure it out yourself.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Oh how you'll laugh at the gorillas at the zoo this week. And oh how you'll scream when they break the glass and stomp you to death.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You'll realize you're related to Matt Gaetz. That's all.