Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Remember when you said you wanted a baby? You surely did not mean a baby spawned from Satan. Alas, such is your fate. No amount of exorcism will stop the evil process now. Succumb to the dark one.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
A peeping tom will decide to stop sneaking peeks at naked women when he sees you in the nude. It wasn't pretty.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You'll try cat food this week just because who gives a shit anymore...
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Stop crying.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
That article written about you in People was so wrong. You definitely did not have plastic surgery and you are definitely in your early twenties! You are an ageless wonder, praise Diedre!
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Your near death experience this week will allow you to see your family in the waiting room as you're being resuscitated by doctors. You'll wonder why they're all laughing and giving each other high fives.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
I didn’t know people were still wearing that hairstyle past 1993...but good for you being so brave!
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Your ladies in the city group have a lot to say about you this week. That's because they're plotting your murder.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Mexican or Thai this week? How about sit your ass at home and do some sit ups?
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Oh uh, we forgot to do yours. Keep on trucking?
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
No amount of vodka is going to make someone want to sleep with you. So stop buying them shots.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
While out on your daily run in the park, you’ll somehow get lost and stumble upon a talking faun that tells you all of humanity depends on you. You will then realize the edibles from last night are still kicking in and that you are actually talking to a homeless man pleading with you to leave him alone.