Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your pants will rip wide open at work in front of everyone on the day you’re wearing your period panties. Have a great week!
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
That big jug of hand sanitizer you just bought is actually just lube. Have fun!
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
The Moon is in a strong position this week. But you aren't. You are weak and will cry yourself to sleep every night
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Stop looking to the future, because not gonna lie, it doesn’t look good for you.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Almighty Diedre! We’ve left you an offering of Dom Pérignon and weight loss teas as you wished. Please grant us lesser beings good fortune this week and don’t dock our pay!
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
In an effort to be on-trend, you’ll part your hair in the middle and quickly get mistaken for a Hanson brother.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Oops, we forgot about you again. But you’re used to that, right?
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Yes, everyone can smell you.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
This will be a time of enlightenment for you as you realize that people you know have been enjoying not having to find excuses to not invite you places.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
The dinner party you’ve been planning for weeks will lead to you giving all your friends food poisoning.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
It’s best that you don’t know.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
A sinkhole will open up and swallow you whole this week because karma.