Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Side parts...middle parts...why does it matter? Your hair will still look terrible.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Yes, those jeans do make you look fat.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
What’s the use? You should probably just give up.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Congrats! Your friends will finally get blasted enough at the next hangout to not notice that you’re annoying af.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Have we told you lately how much we appreciate every breath you take, and every word that comes out of your mouth? You are an absolute goddess and the world will be forever grateful for you. (Always and forever Diedre <3)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Your Keto diet will start off okay then fail about halfway through the week when you designate a block of Brie cheese as Keto-friendly.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Yum! Those gourmet cupcakes you bought to #treatyoself were delicious! The baker really should’ve washed their hands though. Enjoy the food poisoning.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
It's so cute you took up guitar this year. Time to put it down. You aren't any good and your guitar instructor can't stand that dumb thing you do with your mouth.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Invest in a body pillow this week. At least you’ll have something to cuddle with since you have no one that wants to sleep with you.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Love is in the air this week! But not for you. Plague is in the air for you.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You’ll get in an Uber this week with a live snake in it. Don’t worry, it’s just the driver’s therapy python.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Congrats on the recent weight loss! But you should probably know that it’s nothing you did differently; you just have a tapeworm.