top of page

Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: August 30 - September 5

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Is that a gun in his pocket or is he just happy to see you? … It's a gun.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Your love for Lord of the Rings does not mean you shouldn't shave your disgustingly hairy feet.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Having sex in a car doesn't make you a whore. It does make you sad though because you're by yourself.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

You will make a new friend this week. But his name is Beelzebub, Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms of Hell. And he needs a new dishwasher

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...forget those because YOU are all of our favorite things! We love you Diedre!!

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)

This week you will undertake the biggest challenge of your life. Going for a one mile walk. On flat ground. Good luck, warrior!

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

Look who has a secret admirer! A mysterious red envelope is coming your way this week. Oh wait, no, it’s just a second notice for your unpaid gas bill.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

You will spot a glitch in the matrix when someone actually wants to spend time with you.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Remember when you thought your camera was off during that Zoom call while you were eating a McRib? Everyone saw it. Your reputation in the clean eating community is over. Hope your trash meat was worth it!

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Fall is getting closer and so is your time on this earth. Who knew someone could die from drinking too many pumpkin spice lattes?

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You will meet your boyfriend's mother this week. Maybe, uh, just schedule the therapy session now.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Try cleaning your house this week, you bum!


bottom of page