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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: August 9 - 15

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Something wicked this way comes! Don’t worry, the “wickedness” is just that smell your roommate left behind in the bathroom after their Taco Bell lunch.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Roses are red, daisies are blue, a cat will throw up in your shoe.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Congrats on the first date this week! Maybe this time find another topic to start with other than your sexual obsession with Jason Voorhes.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

No reason to be nervous about going out on Friday the 13th. Your life is so boring that nothing happens to you anyways.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

This week you should take it easy; everyone around you understands how hard and taxing your life can be, and want you to receive all the rest and comfort that is completely and whole-heartedly deserved. <3

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)

Your husband will leave you after finally realizing his lifelong dreams of becoming a butterfly. Like, he performs at events by fluttering around in a life-size butterfly costume.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

All 25 people you invited to your Friday the 13th movie marathon party you’ve been planning for weeks will all come up with unique excuses not to be there. Pretty impressive that all 25 people don’t want to hang out with you.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

Is that the hot guy from HR coming towards your desk to ask you out this weekend? Nope, it’s just Mark from accounting coming to tell you it’s your turn to clean the office microwave. Might want to start wearing your glasses.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

It’s not the black cats you have to watch out for this Friday. It’ll be finding your partner in bed with your Zumba instructor. Whoops!

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Who would’ve thought by this time in your life you would’ve achieved all your life goals? Well, no one thinks that because you haven’t. At all. Not even close.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Surprise! It’s hemorrhoids.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Try for a camping trip this weekend! Those secluded, abandoned campgrounds nearby will make the perfect place to get away; you could scream bloody murder and no one will hear you for miles! Have fun!


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