Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your birthday season starts soon, but no one cares. Everyone’s buying Christmas gifts and expects one from you too.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Remember when you thought your camera was off during that Zoom call while you were eating a McRib? Everyone saw it. Your reputation in the clean eating community is over. Hope your trash meat was worth it!
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Your “intimate” and “very safe” holiday party you had last week meant to spread cheer? More like the Covid superspreader event of the year. Happy Holidays!
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Oh, it’s you again. Why do you even bother?
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You are more beautiful than a thousand sunsets. Sunsets should be ashamed of even being around you, honestly.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Things are going to get more serious in your relationship, but not in a good way. You’ll definitely need a lawyer!
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Your new product idea you wanted to make into a business? It’s already been done and they are millionaires. And you’re not.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
That new retinol cream you got? You may want to hide your face this week and get a dermatology appointment ASAP. That rash is not going to feel great.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You’re probably going to freak out over your boyfriend not folding the towels how you like or something. Just give up the organized act! We all know you’re a secret hoarder.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Don’t even get me started.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
All of those movies you recommended to your friend? They’re just watching reruns of “Sex and the City” and don’t even really like you that much. You are such a Miranda!
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Your birthday season is ending this week which means no one wants to celebrate you anymore.