Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
This week you will go blind. And deaf and dumb. And you also suck (but you should have already known that).
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
Spending time with your boyfriend over the holidays will make him rethink what he ever saw in you.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
A long lost relative will approach you online this week and ask you for money. Little does he know you are terribly broke with no job and no financial prospects.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You will get food poisoning this week eating one of the undercooked meals you yourself prepared. Are you a bad cook or do you subconsciously want to leave this world so everyone in your life can finally be happy?
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Your beautiful spirit will transmit electromagnetic waves that will guide you through the week without anything bad happening at all to you because you are amazing. (Diedre, don't worry about our backpay. We're just glad you exist!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
Your desire to hide in a cave this week is warranted. Go find one and just live there for a while.
Cancer (Jun 22-Jul 23)
The Moon is in a strong position this week. But you aren't. You are weak and will cry yourself to sleep every night.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
Just because you will watch The Queen's Gambit three times this week does not mean you are smart enough to ever be good at chess. You can't even win at Trouble.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 22)
An alien spaceship will abduct you when you're sound asleep. After five minutes they'll be so annoyed with you they'll send you back.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Have you noticed lately how you've been feeling weak, shaky and delirious? That's the poison your partner has been putting in your food for over a month. And he doesn't even have a life insurance policy on you.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22)
Instead of a kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve, you'll discover a huge bald spot at the back of your head.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 20)
Your New Year's Resolution to exercise every day will already have failed by the end of the week. It's due to your lack of conviction and your incredible depression.