Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
This week you'll finally find a man who cares. Just not for you.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
Your loyalty to friends and family will shine through this week when you take the blame for a murder your best friend committed.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Your absence due to severe illness will cost you a job and a boyfriend this week.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Working hard on that new trendy diet? This week you'll find out your mother was a hooker and your father isn't who you thought he was.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
The stars shine brightly for you this week, oh mighty great one. They bow down to you and cry for your love. Let them agonize for it, yearn for it, kill for it. You are their master, and you shall lay a fantastic blow upon their heads if you so choose. Also, you will ace that new recipe at first attempt! (We owe our lives to you, Diedre!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)
All your money will be stolen. All of it.
Cancer (Jun 22-Jul 23)
Remember when you said you wanted a baby? You surely did not mean a baby spawned from Satan. Alas, such is your fate. No amount of exorcism will stop the evil process now. Succumb to the dark one.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
Your cat will tear down your Christmas tree because you do not know how to decorate and it looks like shit.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 22)
That guy you've been talking to for days on Tinder is a figment of your imagination and you are under a severe psychosis. Seek help.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Your intuition that your coworker doesn't like you is right and yes, they want your job. And yes, they were the one who sprayed period blood all over your car.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22)
Is it time to take that big leap towards a new future? No. You will die today. Like, in a few hours.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 20)
This week take the time to relax by the fire with a good book. Enjoy it while it lasts before the fire burns down your house.