Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You’ll walk around saying ‘Oh I’m such a Capricorn” this week, and everyone will hate you for it.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Those Gamestop shares you bought 20 years ago that you’ve been looking for...your dad sold them for beer money.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
That good news you’ve been waiting for at work will come in the form of Janice from Accounting eating your last yogurt from the breakroom fridge. But hey, that yogurt was expired so joke’s on her!
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
There will be one drink you consume this week that will be poisoned. Surprise! We’re not going to tell you which one though.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
It will be revealed to you this week that you have a secret admirer! Just another reminder of how precious and amazing everyone thinks you are, including me, your humble servant...we love you Diedre!
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Everyone around you loathes your presence, even your dog. And especially your cat.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
You’re not crazy...that bad feeling you’ve had lately about Mike breaking up with you, is true. He’s definitely dumping your ass.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Your haircut looks so good! In person.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You’ll finally get a chance to reveal your true feelings to your crush this week, and he’ll reveal his true feelings about how he would choose literally anyone but you.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You’ll announce on social media you’re extending dry January and doing a dry February but will fail within the first week just like you fail at everything.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You’ll be trapped in an elevator for twelve hours with one of those people that has conversations on speakerphone in public.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Who knows....something bad’s bound to happen to you.