Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
While in your sensory deprivation tank, instead of relaxation you will start to hallucinate and see the face of your cat quoting Friedrich Nietzsche. “Meow, when you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you, meow!” You won’t be able to look your cat in the eye again.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
After a perfect Valentine’s Day with your spouse, you will experience heartbreak when your spouse forgets to get you a President’s Day gift. And he doesn’t even know your favorite president is William Henry Harrison!!! DUMP. HIM.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
While out on your daily run in the park, you’ll somehow get lost and stumble upon a talking faun that tells you all of humanity depends on you. You will then realize the edibles from last night are still kicking in and that you are actually talking to a homeless man pleading with you to leave him alone.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You’ll never be a Taurus, so stop trying!
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You make Malala Yousafzai look like garbage. Many blessings to the almighty Diedre!
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Due to a tiring day, you will forget 2 steps in your nightly 12-step skincare routine. You’ll wake up the next day with the face of Steve Buscemi.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Your French Bulldog multi-level marketing scheme will go bust when the FTC deems it a “very, very, bad idea.”
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Something something vehicular manslaughter something something.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You’ll finally feel good about things around you for a few days. But then you’ll start overthinking that something terrible is about to happen at any time. Spoiler: IT WILL!
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Get bent.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You’ll blame your dumb behavior on being a Scorpio, but we all know you’re just an asshole.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You’ll finally get an appointment for the COVID vaccine! When you arrive, you’ll be turned away because you labeled yourself an “essential worker” when you’re actually a spin class instructor.