Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Do us all a favor and maybe don’t sign up for virtual open mic night again. No one enjoyed that.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Your favorite sweater you’ve been looking for for weeks? It’s at the bottom of your sister’s hamper, covered in sangria and vomit stains.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Side parts...middle parts...why does it matter? Your hair will still look terrible.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Out of all of your friends, someone will become engaged this week! Wanna know who it is?? I’ll give you a hint...it’s definitely not you.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...forget those because YOU are all of our favorite things! We love you Diedre!!
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Everyone is always talking about what spirit animal they think they are. Well, we’re pretty sure yours is a rotting tree stump.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Why even bother looking? No one cares enough to write a horoscope for you.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Don’t worry about those few extra calories going to your hips this week. Everyone’s just staring at your huge nose anyways.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
All that hard work you’ve been putting into couples therapy is really going to pay off...with your next relationship. Your boyfriend’s dumping you.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Exciting! You can finally plan that dinner party with the relaxed pandemic restrictions. Too bad everyone will get food poisoning from your cooking.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Look who has a secret admirer! A mysterious red envelope is coming your way this week. Oh wait, no, it’s just a second notice for your unpaid gas bill.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Yes, those jeans do make you look fat.