Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Love is in the air this week! But not for you. Plague is in the air for you.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Oh honey, did you think you fell in love? More like fell off the wagon 'cause you're a goddamn drunk again.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You will meet your boyfriend's mother this week. Maybe, uh, just schedule the therapy session now.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You will drown in a sea of agony.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You're everyone's valentine. With that sparkling personality and gorgeous face, how can you blame them? (Diedre, we won't bother you with it now, but maybe when you get back from Barbados can we please have bathroom breaks again? The smell from the chamber pots at our desks is getting pretty pungent.)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
This week you will forge a new friendship with a wonderful girl. Too bad she only wants to be your friend so you'll join her Satanic cult (www.satanismgirls90210.com)
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Go fuck yourself..
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Box of chocolates? More like box of STDs. Get checked.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Three different people will say you look like the ugly girl in that TV show this week.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
A whole bag of trash will come raining down upon you when you fuck up and throw it into the dumpster like an idiot.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
How many pizzas can one person eat in a week?
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
It's so cute you took up guitar this year. Time to put it down. You aren't any good and your guitar instructor can't stand that dumb thing you do with your mouth.