Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Watch out for black cats this week. Not because they’re bad luck, but because one of them is going to scratch the shit out of you.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
There will be a New Moon this week. That also means absolutely nothing will happen to you.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
That delivery pizza you order to treat yourself at the end of the week will have a bandaid cooked into it.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Yes, your sister is sleeping with your boyfriend. In your bed.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You are a beacon of hope in these troubled times. Reach out to your followers this week, they need your wise guidance ever so much! <3 <3 <3
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
This is the time for new life choices. Maybe you should make the choice to stop being such a waste of space all the time.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Getting hit in the face with a dodgeball is a lot better than what’s going to happen to you this week. Watch out.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Carve out some extra time to cuddle and love on your pet...because it’s not like you have an actual human to do that with.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Save yourself the unending ridicule and embarrassment and don’t get bangs. They’ll look terrible on you.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Now is a good time to reflect on achievements you made in the last year...oh wait, you didn’t do anything? Sounds about right for people’s expectations of you.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
We’ve been living in quarantine for so long and yet all your friends still haven’t missed seeing you in person yet.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
What’s the use? You should probably just give up.