Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You realize this week that when Armie Hammer messaged you on Instagram last year, he wasn't looking to eat you. He was just researching for his upcoming movie about a horrible slob.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Only four weeks until Valentine's Day! You can start planning for the sad marathon of romantic comedies you'll be watching by yourself with a tub of ice cream and five bottles of wine. Just make sure to dump out all the sleeping pills and hide all the knives beforehand.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You will spend all of your stimulus check on gifts for a guy who doesn't consider you "wife material."
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Your long dead relative will contact you from beyond the grave to tell you that dress isn't doing you any favors.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
We just love the way you smell. How the scent lingers in the air after you're gone. It fills us with a delicious rapture of joy that we have never experienced before.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
This week you will consider becoming a nun because at least you'll have some people in your life who are obligated to know who you are.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Your new boyfriend will be thrown in prison for attending the Capitol insurrection. You will still sadly go visit him regularly until he gets out, at which point he will leave you and bomb your house.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Don't like the snow? Enjoy 10 feet of it and just on top of your car Tuesday morning.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Your virtual date with Mr. Handsome will go horribly wrong when you start talking about the time you catfished your ex-boyfriend and he exits out of the chat.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Someone will hire a hitman to kill you this week. We're not saying who.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
A sinkhole will open up and swallow you whole this week because karma.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You will make a new friend this week. But his name is Beelzebub, Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms of Hell. And he needs a new dishwasher.