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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Jan 25 - 31

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Your consistent progress for Dry January will be disrupted by your insistence to medicate your allergies that you’ve misdiagnosed as Covid with several rounds of hot toddies (minus the honey and lemon).

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Your reign as President of the QAnon Moms and Wine Book Club will come to an end this week when the members discover that you never stormed the Capitol like you claimed and that you were actually at Starbucks getting a latte. No more Ayn Rand for you!

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

During your monthly Zoom tarot reading, you’ll get a positive yes for “Will he propose?” but because of the bad connection, your tarot reader will think you said “Will he be foreclosed?” Guess who’s moving into your place?

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

While doing Day 27 of Yoga for Patriots, you will suffer an injury when attempting to perform a headstand too close to the window. Thank goodness your dog will break your fall!

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

That article written about you in People was so wrong. You definitely did not have plastic surgery and you are definitely in your early twenties! You are an ageless wonder, praise Diedre!

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)

Your mother will call to let you know she does have a favorite child and it isn’t you, which is weird because you’re an only child.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

Get out of our face.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

You may want to check your stocks this week. I know, we’re surprised that your friend’s Peacock Milk app just isn’t picking up.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Your boss will bring you back from furlough not because you’re a good worker but because they needed someone to blame for the company’s tanking sales.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

We recommend you look both ways next time you cross the street this week.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

The university you thought you scammed your daughter into wasn’t Brown University but was actually Brown College of Welding.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Oh uh, we forgot to do yours. Keep on trucking?


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