Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
If all the world's a stage, and we are merely players, you're the person playing the tree.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This week you'll finally get the inspiration to leave your boyfriend. That inspiration is because he's dead and you need to leave his grave or they'll put you away.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Penny for your thoughts? How about $100 if you just stop talking?
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
The new girl at work sure is pretty, isn't she? This week you will start talking like her, dressing like her, and ultimately try to kill her. Kinda weird...
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
If angels are on earth, you surely are one! (Diedre, Tony won't stop playing the song, "Last Resort" from Papa Roach at full volume in his office. Can one of us talk to him? At least have him play Jason Mraz or something?)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
A peeping tom will decide to stop sneaking peeks at naked women when he sees you in the nude. It wasn't pretty.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Stop crying.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
You’ll finally get your Ancestry DNA results back this week. The results will show you’re 50% Irish and 50% not your father’s child.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Oh honey, did you think you fell in love? More like fell off the wagon 'cause you're a goddamn drunk again.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Oops, we forgot about you again. But you’re used to that, right?
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Three different people will say you look like the ugly girl in that TV show this week.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Watch out for black cats this week. Not because they’re bad luck, but because one of them is going to scratch the shit out of you.