Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Don’t worry about that huge zit on your face. No one is looking at you anyways.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Your long dead relative will contact you from beyond the grave to tell you that dress isn't doing you any favors.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
That new organic, locally-sourced eyeliner you paid $43 for at the farmer’s market last weekend? It’s just a black crayon from the dollar store.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
This week you will consider becoming a nun because at least you'll have some people in your life who are obligated to know who you are.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Your beautiful spirit will transmit electromagnetic waves that will guide you through the week without anything bad happening at all to you because you are amazing. (Diedre, don't worry about our backpay. We're just glad you exist!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Congrats! You’re the first person to contract a ‘Dickensian disease’ in decades! We won’t tell you which one though!
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Just face the reality that your social life didn’t change because of the pandemic this past year. You already had no social life to start with.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Oh hey, some good news this week! Just kidding. It’s all bad!
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Your old job is finally reopening and all of your colleagues are getting welcome back letters after everyone was laid off. You will also receive a letter stating that you are welcome to stay away as far as possible from the property.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Carve out some extra time to cuddle and love on your pet...because it’s not like you have an actual human to do that with.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
A dark fog will fall upon you this week, which probably means you should stop drinking so much.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
That cute jacket you bought from the questionable online retailer is made from endangered animal fur. Like, multiple endangered animals.