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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: July 26 - August 1


Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)


We know you love cheetos, but do you have to wear the orange powder like a lipstick?


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)


This week your new boyfriend finally opens up to you. Too bad it’s to tell you he cheated on you with your aunt. Actually, your great-aunt.


Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)


You should probably just extend that “24 hours unplugged” to the whole week. Be real, no one’s calling you.


Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)


Ugh, go away.


Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)



You give us LIFE. (Seriously, can you give us more money? We’d like to buy food, please. :( )


Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)


Wonder why your sister isn't talking to you anymore? It's because she hates your guts.


Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)


You will get a wedding invitation to a far off isle this week. Too bad it's just Long Beach in New Jersey...


Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)


Treat yourself to a day of fun! You're going to need it after you get fired again..


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)


After meeting you this week, you will inspire your date to become a monk.


Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)


You’ll just work, sleep and poop this week. I don’t know what to tell you.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)


Nobody believes you're celibate for any other reason besides the fact that no one wants to sleep with you.


Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)


This week you'll finally find a man who cares. Just not for you.

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