Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
We know you love cheetos, but do you have to wear the orange powder like a lipstick?
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This week your new boyfriend finally opens up to you. Too bad it’s to tell you he cheated on you with your aunt. Actually, your great-aunt.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You should probably just extend that “24 hours unplugged” to the whole week. Be real, no one’s calling you.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Ugh, go away.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You give us LIFE. (Seriously, can you give us more money? We’d like to buy food, please. :( )
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Wonder why your sister isn't talking to you anymore? It's because she hates your guts.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
You will get a wedding invitation to a far off isle this week. Too bad it's just Long Beach in New Jersey...
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Treat yourself to a day of fun! You're going to need it after you get fired again..
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
After meeting you this week, you will inspire your date to become a monk.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You’ll just work, sleep and poop this week. I don’t know what to tell you.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Nobody believes you're celibate for any other reason besides the fact that no one wants to sleep with you.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
This week you'll finally find a man who cares. Just not for you.