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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: July 26 - August 1

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

We know you love cheetos, but do you have to wear the orange powder like a lipstick?

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

This week your new boyfriend finally opens up to you. Too bad it’s to tell you he cheated on you with your aunt. Actually, your great-aunt.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You should probably just extend that “24 hours unplugged” to the whole week. Be real, no one’s calling you.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

Ugh, go away.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

You give us LIFE. (Seriously, can you give us more money? We’d like to buy food, please. :( )

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)

Wonder why your sister isn't talking to you anymore? It's because she hates your guts.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

You will get a wedding invitation to a far off isle this week. Too bad it's just Long Beach in New Jersey...

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

Treat yourself to a day of fun! You're going to need it after you get fired again..

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

After meeting you this week, you will inspire your date to become a monk.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You’ll just work, sleep and poop this week. I don’t know what to tell you.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Nobody believes you're celibate for any other reason besides the fact that no one wants to sleep with you.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

This week you'll finally find a man who cares. Just not for you.


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