Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You'll decide to start journaling this week only to fall asleep as you're writing because your life is so boring.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
All the money you saved from not having any friends to do things with is really going to be put to good use at your funeral.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
At a restaurant this week all the wait staff will label you as the Girl Who Ordered Three Entrees and Finished Them All Herself.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You'll be amazed when your best friend from years ago reaches out. It's only to confess as part of her 12 Step Program that she slept with your dad.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Your beautiful spirit will transmit electromagnetic waves that will guide you through the week without anything bad happening at all to you because you are amazing. (Diedre, don't worry about our backpay. We're just glad you exist!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Nobody believes you're celibate for any other reason besides the fact that no one wants to sleep with you.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Your dog will die. That's all.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Remember when you said you wanted a baby? You surely did not mean a baby spawned from Satan. Alas, such is your fate. No amount of exorcism will stop the evil process now. Succumb to the dark one.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Congrats! Your friends will finally get blasted enough at the next hangout to not notice that you’re annoying af.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
While in your sensory deprivation tank, instead of relaxation you will start to hallucinate and see the face of your cat quoting Friedrich Nietzsche. “Meow, when you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you, meow!” You won’t be able to look your cat in the eye again.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You’ll blame your dumb behavior on being a Scorpio, but we all know you’re just an asshole.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Have you noticed lately how you've been feeling weak, shaky and delirious? That's the poison your partner has been putting in your food for over a month. And he doesn't even have a life insurance policy on you.