Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Not sure how to celebrate Pride month? How about stay home and let people have fun for a change.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
So cute how you want to take up gardening. This week you'll see just how bad an idea that is when you dig up the body of a woman who went missing just last week. Better get a good lawyer!
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
We got so bored thinking about you that we fell asleep while trying to write this. Figure it out yourself.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You will spend all night Friday drinking, singing "99 Bottles of Beer" alone, and passing out face-first on a grease-stained pizza box.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
The sun smiles down upon you and everything you bring to the Earth. (Intern 3948 is suing us for putting her life in danger, Diedre. Maybe we can schedule a meeting to discuss?)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
The reason people keep telling you you're glowing this week is not because you're pregnant. It's because you have radium poisoning.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Time for a girl's trip! Notice how we said "girl's" and not "girls'" ? That's because you have no friends.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
More people will attend your sister's cat's birthday party this week than your own.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
This week your new boyfriend finally opens up to you. Too bad it’s to tell you he cheated on you with your aunt. Actually, your great-aunt.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Your bank will alert you that you have suspicious activity on your account. They mean your sudden purchases at the health food store and not McDonald's.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You'll finally meet the man of your dreams this week. As in, you'll meet a man in your dreams. Better than nothing.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
While in your sensory deprivation tank, instead of relaxation you will start to hallucinate and see the face of your cat quoting Friedrich Nietzsche. “Meow, when you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you, meow!” You won’t be able to look your cat in the eye again.