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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: June 21 - 27


Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)


James Corden will force you to do a Carpool Karaoke. The doors will be locked and there is no escape.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)


Few have failed at holding a cup of hot coffee like a normal person, but you will defeat those odds by dropping it in your lap. No shorts this summer!


Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

We're sure some bullshit planet is in retrograde. IDK.


Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)


Your vacation plans will be spoiled when you realized you booked your flight to Paris, Texas, not Paris, France.


Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)


You give us LIFE. (Seriously, can you give us more money? We’d like to buy food, please. :( )


Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)


Your zodiac season is over, loser.


Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)


No one cares that your birthday is coming up.


Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)


You’ll finally decide to go back into the office and realize the plant you left in March 2020 has died and also you were actually fired.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

You’ll just work, sleep and poop this week. I don’t know what to tell you.


Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)


You’ll meet up with old friends this week and realize they kind of suck and so do you.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)


You’ll go skydiving this week and uh, yeah maybe don’t go skydiving.


Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)


While sitting behind a news reporter on location, you’ll be filmed going to town on a burrito and will become an instant meme. #burritomakeoutsession



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