Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your community pool may have to close suddenly this week after they found out you were in it.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Yum, who doesn’t love pizza? Well, not you anymore. You are now allergic to gluten. Congrats.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Your neighbor will call the police this week reporting a strange smell coming from your apartment, thinking you died. You’re ok, but take a shower.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You finally break down and eat a hot dog after staying away from processed meats for so long. Someone snaps a photo the moment you take a huge bite, and ends up going viral. The internet now knows you as the hot dog queen.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Celebrating the birth of our nation is nothing compared to celebrating your enchanting smile, and we get to do that 365 days a year. We are #blessed (You amaze us everyday Diedre!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Look who has a secret admirer! A mysterious red envelope is coming your way this week. Oh wait, no, it’s just a second notice for your unpaid gas bill.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Your friends only invited you on that fun road trip to the mountains because you have the biggest car.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Don’t even get me started.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Wonder why Todd has been so distant lately? He’s cheating on you.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Your identity will be stolen and then quickly returned because your life is devoid of value.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Best to read labels better this week. That sunscreen you put on is actually just a jar of mayonnaise
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Good thing you got those new dark sunglasses to hide those equally dark circles under your eyes.