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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: June 28 - July 4


Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)


Your community pool may have to close suddenly this week after they found out you were in it.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)


Yum, who doesn’t love pizza? Well, not you anymore. You are now allergic to gluten. Congrats.


Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)


Your neighbor will call the police this week reporting a strange smell coming from your apartment, thinking you died. You’re ok, but take a shower.


Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)


You finally break down and eat a hot dog after staying away from processed meats for so long. Someone snaps a photo the moment you take a huge bite, and ends up going viral. The internet now knows you as the hot dog queen.


Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)


Celebrating the birth of our nation is nothing compared to celebrating your enchanting smile, and we get to do that 365 days a year. We are #blessed (You amaze us everyday Diedre!)


Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)


Look who has a secret admirer! A mysterious red envelope is coming your way this week. Oh wait, no, it’s just a second notice for your unpaid gas bill.


Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

Your friends only invited you on that fun road trip to the mountains because you have the biggest car.


Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)


Don’t even get me started.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Wonder why Todd has been so distant lately? He’s cheating on you.


Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)


Your identity will be stolen and then quickly returned because your life is devoid of value.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Best to read labels better this week. That sunscreen you put on is actually just a jar of mayonnaise


Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)


Good thing you got those new dark sunglasses to hide those equally dark circles under your eyes.

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