Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t know what that reason may be. Except for your parents’ divorce, you were the sole cause of that.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Your skin is looking extra dry this week. And there’s probably nothing you can do about it because you suck.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
I didn’t know people were still wearing that hairstyle past 1993...but good for you being so brave!
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
A sinkhole will open up and swallow you whole this week because karma.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
If angels walked the Earth and masqueraded as everyday people, they would pale in comparison to your beauty, grace, and goodwill towards those less fortunate than you. (We love you with all our hearts, Diedre!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Congrats on turning another year older! You are now gifted with severe heartburn after everything you eat. Even white rice.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Trying to beat the heat this summer? Stay indoors, because no one is going to invite you out anyways.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Don’t worry about that huge zit on your face this week. No one is looking at you anyways.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Even your plants don’t like you. That’s why they keep dying.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
This week is definitely going to be your week! ...whoops, thought I was talking to someone else. Your week is going to suck actually.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Take a long walk or go on a bike ride using a trail you’ve never used before...because you could really use the exercise.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Bad news...your laptop will break this week, along with your A/C. And your spirit. Cheers!