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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: March 1 - 7


Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

This week you will go whale watching and fall overboard. Sadly, everyone will mistake you for a large sea mammal and leave you behind.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

This week kicks off Women's History Month. It also kicks off the most uneventful month of your life.


Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

All your teeth are gonna fall out.


Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

Your sleep paralysis demon is the only being you will come in contact with this week, and it will not be pleasant.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

The birds are chirping and the skies are blue. Covid-19 has nothing on you! (Diedre, would it be alright if we got holiday pay this year?)


Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)

Stop it.


Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

Your identity will be stolen and then quickly returned because your life is devoid of value.


Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

Take that burst of energy and sit back down. Let's not fool ourselves you're gonna get anything done.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Your attempt to get a refund for the Glowt SNK Oil you bought will be met with hostility and rejection because you don't know what you're talking about. 10/10 people we paid said that it works!


Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Before you take that quiz on which Kardashian sibling you are, let us stop you. It's Rob.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

This week someone will invite you to join a book club. You'll realize too late that the book is the Bible and really it's just Bible Study with a bunch of born again Christians.


Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You will not be allowed to get the vaccination this week because they don't want to waste it on someone who has no future.