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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: March 15 -21


Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)


Good luck on that gonorrhea diagnosis this week. Glad I’m not you.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)


Congrats! You’ve successfully annoyed all of your friends so much during the pandemic with your stupid virtual murder mystery nights that now no one will actually want to hang out with you in person.


Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)


Despite being a water sign, you will get really into taking dust baths. Like birds do. For some random reason.


Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)


Yum, who doesn’t love pizza? Well, not you anymore. You are now allergic to gluten. Congrats.


Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)


The arrival of an early Spring, social distancing guidelines being loosened, the idea of grandparents finally being able to hug their grandchildren….none of these compare to the unimaginable joy one feels in your presence (we’re so lucky to work under you Diedre!)


Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)


That new platinum blonde dye job you got looks great...on honestly anyone but you.


Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)


That post-pandemic camping trip you’re planning on taking will be overrun with cicadas. Have fun.


Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)


Yes, everyone does notice that 8-pound weight gain. It’s all they talk about when you’re not there.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)


That cute guy you’ve been crushing on will finally ask you out this week! Be careful though, he may or may not be a cannibal.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)


Ugh. Pass.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

This year, St. Patty’s Day celebrations will finally be back to normal for you with absolutely no one inviting you to go out, just like every year.


Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)


Sure, go ahead and plan that fancy dinner party for all of your vaccinated friends. But you know and I know that no one’s really gonna show up.