Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your method of wiping back to front has really served you well, hasn't it? That UTI is not going to go away for a while.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Nobody believes you're celibate for any other reason besides the fact that no one wants to sleep with you.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Wash your face, you idiot.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Your love for Lord of the Rings does not mean you shouldn't shave your disgustingly hairy feet.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
We may have turned our clocks back, but we'll never turn our backs on you. (Sandy is a month away from giving birth. Can you please give her maternity leave? She will work from home).
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
You will get high on those cleaning supplies when you try to clean your filthy house this week. It will be the only happiness you experience.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
You'll find out this week that your gay best friend is really just a cyborg from the planet JRIU-1 who is researching the effects of long-term neurological decay in humans.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Your attempt to ensnare a basketball player during March Madness will only end in your own madness.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
April showers bring May flowers, you only bring misery to everyone that you know.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter a while ago. Unfortunately, it will be an endless winter for you in the fact that those warm sunny days of your youth are now obviously long gone. You will sit idly by as the days grow long and tedious, the flowers lose their scent, delicious food loses its taste. Life, itself, means nothing anymore. Punxsutawney Phil did not mean you when he suggested winter would end. Your cold and solitary months will be forevermore. Enjoy your sad, sad, sad, sad, lonely, despairing winter of a life.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your dog will die. That's all.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Did it make you feel good about yourself to stop at McDonald's at 3 a.m. last night to buy a McDouble, and another McDouble, and another McDouble, and another McDouble, and another McDouble, and another McDouble?