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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: March 29 - April 4



Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)


Aww, look at you trying a new hairstyle. It looks like shit, but hey, props for trying!


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)


That boyfriend of yours sure is ugly.


Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)


Wow, is that really your car? I didn’t even know they made those models anymore!


Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)


The girl’s night you’re planning will end in disaster when you find out all of your friends slept with your boyfriend. In the past week.


Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)


You will have to overcome a new obstacle this week, but don’t worry, you will come out stronger, wiser, and even more beautiful than before! (We love you dearly Dierdre!)


Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)


That high school reunion is coming up and guess who got fat!!....It’s you. You got fat.


Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)


Warmer weather is here and low-rise jeans are making a comeback! Wasn’t it such a great idea to get that lower back tattoo, especially now that it’s faded and has that huge stretch mark going through it? So unique!


Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)


Who knew that with planning, patience, and a little wishful thinking, a person could land their dream job! Oh, but not you. You’re actually being demoted this week.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

No matter how pretty that houseplant you just bought is, it will never make up for the crippling loneliness you feel nightly. Have fun.


Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)


Might as well give in and buy all that Easter candy this week. No one wants you anyways.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Ugh, this dumb fuck.


Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)


A dark-haired man will find their way into your life this week to ask you to hand him something...your purse. He’s mugging you.