Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Aww, look at you trying a new hairstyle. It looks like shit, but hey, props for trying!
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
That boyfriend of yours sure is ugly.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Wow, is that really your car? I didn’t even know they made those models anymore!
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
The girl’s night you’re planning will end in disaster when you find out all of your friends slept with your boyfriend. In the past week.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You will have to overcome a new obstacle this week, but don’t worry, you will come out stronger, wiser, and even more beautiful than before! (We love you dearly Dierdre!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
That high school reunion is coming up and guess who got fat!!....It’s you. You got fat.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Warmer weather is here and low-rise jeans are making a comeback! Wasn’t it such a great idea to get that lower back tattoo, especially now that it’s faded and has that huge stretch mark going through it? So unique!
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Who knew that with planning, patience, and a little wishful thinking, a person could land their dream job! Oh, but not you. You’re actually being demoted this week.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
No matter how pretty that houseplant you just bought is, it will never make up for the crippling loneliness you feel nightly. Have fun.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Might as well give in and buy all that Easter candy this week. No one wants you anyways.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Ugh, this dumb fuck.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
A dark-haired man will find their way into your life this week to ask you to hand him something...your purse. He’s mugging you.