Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You’ll finally get your Ancestry DNA results back this week. The results will show you’re 50% Irish and 50% not your father’s child.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You’ll think your phone interview for a job went really well till you realize it was actually a video call and yes, they can see you’re in your bathroom with a “Remember to Wipe” poster behind you.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Your spouse may/may not be in a cult. Who knew selling Tupperware could escalate so quickly.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
In an effort to be on-trend, you’ll part your hair in the middle and quickly get mistaken for a Hanson brother.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Almighty Diedre! We’ve left you an offering of Dom Pérignon and weight loss teas as you wished. Please grant us lesser beings good fortune this week and don’t dock our pay!
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Oh hey, some good news this week! Just kidding. It’s all bad!
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
After you Marie Kondo your closet, you’ll try to sell some of your favorite pieces online. But no one wants to buy your skinny jeans and your “Wine O’Clock” t-shirts. Sorry.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Giving up sugar for Lent will go well till you realize sugar is in everything so you might as well have a dozen Krispy Kreme Donuts. It’s not like you can control this!
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Your sign is a freaking Virgin. How lame is that?
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
We know you’re having a really tough time deciding on some big life changes right now. So we think you should…. Did you think we would actually tell you? Have fun figuring it out, suckers!
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You can finally go to the movies in your area! You waste your first outing on seeing Tom & Jerry. ...Seriously?
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Oops, we forgot about you again. But you’re used to that, right?