Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Congrats, you will lose 8 lbs this week! It’ll all be from your boobs, though.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
May is national masturbation month. It’s so nice for others to celebrate for a month what’s going to be your sex life all year.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Ugh, go away.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Everyone’s always saying “don’t use filters” but you should. You definitely should. All the time and maybe see if they can use one for that driver’s license photo. Yikes.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
The flowers are blooming, bees are buzzing, and summer is just around the corner. We can’t wait to hear about all the amazing experiences you’re going to have in the coming months! How do we know they’re going to be amazing? Because you’re amazing!! (We love you, oh great leader!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
With your birthday coming up, we thought we would give you some wise advice. No one should be wearing those crop tops at your age. Put a sweater on, grandma.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Your little brother will accidentally flush your birth control pills during that weekend home visit. Don’t worry, you’re not having sex with anyone anyways.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
A secret admirer will surprise you with a little something this week. Unfortunately, the “little something” will be chlamydia.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Who knew that with a little time and effort, you could achieve absolutely nothing and be in the same place you started. *Thumbs up*
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
This week will be a great time for you to take a step into nature and go for a long rejuvenating hike. Plus, you could really use the exercise.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
We're getting really tired of you.