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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: May 24 - 31

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Maybe you should take some time this week to think of ways to be less of a loser.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Wonder why Todd has been so distant lately? He’s cheating on you.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Love is in the very near future for you. For one night. And you’ll have to pay for it.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

You will disappoint your mother this week. She wanted a son.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

Your radiance pulls people towards you. It's a real miracle you're alive. (Diedre, is it okay if we let your daughter out of the broom closet? She says she can't breathe in there.)

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)

That guy you've been talking to for days on Tinder is a figment of your imagination and you are under a severe psychosis. Seek help.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

The one sexual experience you'll have this month will be in a dream. And it's with Matt Gaetz.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

You are a strong and powerful lion that can handle any obstacle thrown at you. But you’re also ugly.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

The Moon is in a strong position this week. But you aren't. You are weak and will cry yourself to sleep every night.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Ooh, a three-day weekend! Three days to ponder what went wrong in your life while you stare at the wall.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

A sinkhole will open up and swallow you whole this week because karma.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You'll find out the guy you've been dating likes Joe Rogan this week. Back to the drawing board.


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