Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Maybe you should take some time this week to think of ways to be less of a loser.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Wonder why Todd has been so distant lately? He’s cheating on you.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Love is in the very near future for you. For one night. And you’ll have to pay for it.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You will disappoint your mother this week. She wanted a son.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Your radiance pulls people towards you. It's a real miracle you're alive. (Diedre, is it okay if we let your daughter out of the broom closet? She says she can't breathe in there.)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
That guy you've been talking to for days on Tinder is a figment of your imagination and you are under a severe psychosis. Seek help.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
The one sexual experience you'll have this month will be in a dream. And it's with Matt Gaetz.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
You are a strong and powerful lion that can handle any obstacle thrown at you. But you’re also ugly.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
The Moon is in a strong position this week. But you aren't. You are weak and will cry yourself to sleep every night.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Ooh, a three-day weekend! Three days to ponder what went wrong in your life while you stare at the wall.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
A sinkhole will open up and swallow you whole this week because karma.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You'll find out the guy you've been dating likes Joe Rogan this week. Back to the drawing board.