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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: May 3 to 9

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Your ex will leave a present at your doorstep. You'll realize too late it's a flaming pile of dog shit.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Starting therapy was a great idea. Going home afterwards and downing a bottle of vodka, not so much.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Your bank will alert you that you have suspicious activity on your account. They mean your sudden purchases at the health food store and not McDonald's.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

A nice day out with your sister will make you reconsider your grudge against her. She will reconsider not talking to you again.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

Wow, the first week of May! Your face will radiate warmth and kindness as it always does (Perhaps we can turn on the air conditioning in the office now, Diedre? It's getting hot and you won't let us open the windows!)

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)

You'll head to the attic after you hear a sound. Don't worry, it's not a ghost but a family of raccoons who were lured in by all the trash you have up there.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

This week you'll restart your gym membership and then break your ankle on the treadmill.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

Your mother will accidentally be nice to you this week. Savor it while you can!

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Your fear of heights will leave you terrified when you realize how far you've fallen (in life).

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Birds of a feather flock together. Unfortunately you have no feathers and no one wants to be around you.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Is it time to take up a new hobby that you'll quickly give up on and feel bad about yourself for? Eh, go ahead.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

When are you going to learn you look like an ogre when you wear green?


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